Creating a Space for Grief as the Seasons Change

By Erica Sonnabend

Here I am stepping fully into the Fall season. The weather outside my door has turned to that familiar chill, the leaves have begun their transition to brightness and the moon is revealing more of itself with each night. The cozy feel of warmer clothes comfort me as I start preparing my family and my home for the change of season.

While the promise of a new season can be exciting, the change from one season to the next can also signal a time of reflection and anticipation. If you’re missing a loved one or coping with emotional outcomes due to impactful changes in your life, you may also encounter feelings of grief as we move from one season to the next. 

Where I live, Autumn is the season that transitions us from the warm summer to the cold winter. Although I’m not a fan of ice and snow, I started experiencing overwhelming feelings of dread when fall arrived the year after my divorce. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so unsettled. I’d always liked the fall as a kid and looked forward to it when it was time to go back to college after a great summer. Something changed for me around 2004 and I began going through the motions of life from September through November. I didn’t realize it then, but I was doing my best to avoid how I felt.  I couldn’t determine the root of my feelings because I never allowed them to fully emerge.

It wasn’t until ten years later that I discovered, through grief work, that my dread was connected to my unresolved emotions surrounding my divorce.  It was so surprising to me that the fear, disappointment and feelings of failure and abandonment I was carrying all this time was actually considered grief. (It definitely is!) Equally surprising was that this emotional pain, that I barely shared with anyone, was intruding on my life years after my divorce was final.  I understood that divorce meant I was no longer married, but what I didn’t anticipate was how alone that would make me feel. 

As the calendar progressed into October, the thought of being in the house by myself with my very young daughter during the darker, colder and stormier months ahead filled me with panic and anxiety. I didn’t care about pumpkin picking or decorating for Halloween like I used to. The upcoming holidays were going to be an overwhelming puzzle of “what to do” and “where to go” as a divorced woman.  I kept re-sorting the pieces of my now vacant life and nothing seemed to fit in a way that brought me peace.  Eventually, the start of the fall season triggered my grief year after year. I felt numb inside.

Thankfully, connecting to my true feelings helped me immensely - more than I ever thought possible.  What an enormous relief. Taking steps to acknowledge and understand my grief allowed me to release my feelings of insecurity that were blocking me from being present in my life. I discovered that I needed to grieve the intangible losses that came after my divorce - like my loss of safety, traditions, routine and my role in my ex-husband’s family.  Honestly, I thought that my other relationships were completely fine, but opening myself up to healing enhanced my relationship with my daughter, my mother and my friends. 

The following year, I decided to do something I hadn’t ever done when October came.  I created space in my life for any feelings of dread or anticipation that might come.  I made time for myself daily to do something that connected me to my heart instead of my head.  I opened my heart by looking at old photos, telling family stories to my daughter and listening to music that moves my soul.  I allowed myself to cry (really cry) when I needed to and I talked about my emotions whenever they came up (cheers to my friends and grief specialist).  What a difference a year made - but this time for the better.

Unexpressed grief is powerful. As we continue into the fall season and prepare for what the winter months may bring, I encourage you to also prepare yourself by creating your own compassionate space. Take a moment during your busy days to stop, watch the leaves fall, breathe deeply and connect to what’s in your heart. Being present with your grief will guide you toward your healing.

Wishing you a peaceful autumn, friends.

Erica Sonnabend is a Grief Recovery Specialist from Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Certified by the Grief Recovery Institute, Erica helps others to connect to their unresolved grief and the unexpressed emotions surrounding deep personal loss. Through one-on-one support or group sessions utilizing the Grief Recovery Method, Erica creates a comforting and compassionate space for healing to occur. You can reach Erica through the contact page on her website Sonnabend Grief Support.

When Grief Resurfaces in Uncertain Times

By Erica Sonnabend

Like so many of you, I have been thrust almost instantly into a new way of living, working, and communicating with my family and friends.  Although I’ve always considered myself to be a very adaptable and flexible person, changing nearly everything all at once due to the pandemic has made me question that.

Within a matter of days, all of my normal routines ceased to exist and my days of welcoming visitors to my home and gathering with loved ones stopped.  My world seemed to shrink and I was left feeling fearful, uneasy, disconnected, and vulnerable in ways that I never had before.  I was weepy, quick to snap at others, manically keeping busy with home projects and not sleeping well.  In my mind, I determined this was expected behavior given all that our world and our communities were going through.  I just needed to ride it out.

Not only was I experiencing the loss of my sense of normalcy and safety, my heart was hurting for those around me who had died, were sick, or had lost their jobs or businesses.  I wasn’t feeling all of this on the “usual” level that I would expect to feel about such terribly sad things, these feelings were ENORMOUS.

What I later came to realize is that through all of the news reports, zoom calls, sanitizing, and home quarantining, an uninvited guest had shown up.  There it was…GRIEF…amplifying my emotions and my actions. Grief for my new losses during quarantine and resurfaced grief from previous loss events.  

Grief is normal and natural, but it doesn’t always look and feel the way you think it will.  It’s sneaky. It disguises itself as many things – exhaustion, irritability, excessive behaviors, keeping super busy, forgetfulness, and many more.  With a little stepping back, I have realized that our various losses and our history with grief will show up unannounced and affect our current lives if left unresolved.

Around week five of my ten week quarantine, I discovered the root of my intense feelings. This happened when I opened my kitchen cabinet to start making lunch for my two school-aged children.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I connected to my grief when I opened my kitchen cabinet. Looking at the well stocked canned goods brought me back to a time in my life that I hadn’t thought of in decades.  

When I was in middle school, my father moved about two and a half hours away from me.  That distance felt like I was on another planet. It was a long, monotonous bus ride and then a thirty minute car ride away from the beauty and comforts of my home on Cape Cod.  At home, I was surrounded by extended family and connected to close friends in an awesome neighborhood.  While visiting my dad, who I adored, I was sleeping in a space that wasn’t mine and spent most Saturdays at his house alone because he’d have to work. He lived in a second floor apartment in what used to be a single family home.  It was always very clean, but it had a makeshift kitchen with bookshelves used as a pantry…filled with canned goods.  I had so many questions about why my parents divorced, but I couldn’t get them to come out of my mouth.  I felt an incredible loss of normalcy, routine, companionship, and familiarity.  Among other things, I was anxious and bored on those Saturdays and I missed my friends.  

As I stood in my kitchen, decades later in the midst of a pandemic, staring at the aluminum cans in my cabinet, my grief from long ago became obvious to me. Just like that. After weeks of pacing in circles to pass the time, full of anxiety about the unknown, grief had resurfaced. This time of great change and uncertainty connected me to the losses I experienced when I was about the same age as my one of my kids that I was making lunch for.  Coincidence?  I don’t believe so.

When I allowed my heart to go back to that time, a whole range of unexpressed emotions came to light. These were thoughts and feelings that I had back then plus some new ones from my adult perspective. Those buried feelings and undelivered communications were my unresolved grief. This discovery showed me exactly how unexpressed grief can evolve and resurface in different ways in our lives – especially during a pandemic.

It’s important to remember that loss is not solely connected to the death of someone we care about.

Loss occurs in all kinds of situations.  You can feel it when relationships end, when changes in health or financial stability occur, or when any event that brings physical or emotional impact happens.  Loss can be tangible (people or things) or intangible (sense of safety, relationships with money, loss of health).  After finding my own unresolved grief hiding in my kitchen cabinet, I knew I had some work to do to free myself from the pain of my past losses.  Taking action through grief work and participating in my own emotional healing has led me to better understand my current losses.  What a difference that has made in my daily life!

As you continue on your own path, weathering the ups and downs of losses in your life, I encourage you to pause and allow yourself to truly connect to the changes you’re experiencing.  Let your emotions come up and out.  Be mindful of what unresolved grief looks and feels like in your heart.  And always show love and compassion to yourself when grief resurfaces during these very uncertain times. 

Take care, friends.