Allowing Space for Discomfort When Your Only Child Leaves for College

By Heather Doyle Fraser

When I think about what is rising inside of me during this season, I can’t help but look at the proverbial elephant in the room – a paradox of emotions slinking beneath the surface of my everyday, dangerously close to coming into full display with the departure of my daughter to college. I am exceedingly excited for her and all the opportunities and experiences in front of her. I am incredibly proud of her determination and perseverance. I am eager for her to experience the joy of independence, self-sufficiency, and finding purpose and passion in her educational pursuits. I want her to find contentment and peace in her every day and experience the full range of what life offers, and that includes the highs and the lows and all of the nuance in between. At the same time, I want to shield her from the disappointment, sadness, grief, and pain that will undoubtedly show up in that spectrum of experiences on her journey. Holding all of it together – yep, the definition of paradox.

There is a sense of anticipation within me, a melody that has been building and building and building to a crescendo over the past year. And while I write almost exclusively about how the process of writing mirrors the process of life, I am still surprised when I see my story – entwined with my daughter’s – play out with its predictability in process amidst the uncertainty I feel. 

The relationship between my daughter and I has always been sacred. I have enjoyed every season with her, not wishing for a do-over or a return to a different time. I have delighted in her learning, growth, exploration, and how our relationship has evolved and stayed the same over the past eighteen years. I love the person she is, and I love the person I am when I am in proximity to her. I love the essence of home I feel when I hear her voice or feel her presence with me. 

For these reasons, I didn’t expect this next phase might harbor something else – something I haven’t yet experienced – coming up inside of me: an impulse to not return to a time before but to pause and live right where we are for just a little longer. That wouldn’t align with how I live my life, my love for learning and exploration, and my eagerness to experience a story unfold, and yet, there is the impulse – standing there in every room and every moment of my life these days. 

This feeling is uncharted water for me. I live in the cadence of the ebb and flow of a song that changes with need and necessity, but this… this is new. And in the newness of this utter resistance I feel to the speeding up and the building of this melody, I am reminded to allow. 

Ugh. The process shows me the way every time, even if I don’t like the path it sets out before me.

So, what would my story and song look like if I became curious and allowed in this season? If I allowed all of those emotions slinking under the surface to emerge, to rise up without apology? If I gave myself the space to slow down and feel all of the emotions and sensations in my body and not numb or pause the time? What if I gave myself compassion for being in uncharted waters? What if I gave to myself what I am giving to my daughter?

She is traveling into a new life, just as we drive the miles to her chosen college. She is uncertain about what is before her. She doesn’t know how things will turn out. And neither do I. She is up for the learning and exploration, though, and so am I. 

She will become a new person in this next phase of life. I will become a new person in this next phase of life. And parts of us will remain the same. Our relationship will shift more abruptly than in previous seasons – like a key change or modulation, perhaps – but these changes have happened before, and they will happen again.

When I am grounded in this idea of process, I can allow for that. I can become a sight reader – a beginner in this new song – for this next phase, not knowing the notes on the page before I see them, but knowing how to come to the notes and string them together because I have been doing that my whole life. I have been living. Why would I want to pause that?

It’s comforting to realize that this phase is like any other in the process of becoming. I can let go of the outcome with the realization that the process will carry me through the living and the learning.

It’s easy for me to cognitively understand these truths and say I will commit to the process, but the process itself is harder to embody during these uncertain times and when I feel like my heart is being ripped from my body. Even as I write these words, I feel like I am showing too much, allowing too much, but the alternative is less attractive to me. 

So, I will be with the discomfort of over-sharing, hoping that if you, too, have a story similar to mine, you will see another very important truth: you are not alone. I am with you, and I am with myself. We are together now, and that brings me a fraction of ease. And if you aren’t able to allow these same emotions for yourself, I will hold the space for both of us until you are ready. I will allow my tears to fall, and I also will allow a smile and a hearty laugh as those glorious moments of joy bump up against my sadness and uncertainty. I expect this song will require a new commitment every day as it morphs and changes shape over time. But I can allow that cadence. I can be with my rising discomfort because this uncomfortable truth needs acknowledgment and space.

Cultivating a Space that Is Safe When It Comes to Creativity

by Heather Doyle Fraser

A couple of weeks ago, I introduced the idea of creating a safe space for writing or other purpose-driven endeavors. And now, let’s dive into how we can create a process that will help us do just that.

First, we need to look at our creation time as something that is both a sacred and an everyday event – I know, it’s a paradox! There is so much about creativity and inspiration that occurs as a paradox. To do that, we need to show up to the event, and events have a BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER. What will we do BEFORE to prepare ourselves? What will we do DURING to help support ourselves? What will we do AFTER?

I see three internal and external landscapes couched within BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER. These are the landscapes we need to account for when we are cultivating sacred and everyday space for our creativity: physical landscape, cognitive/mind landscape, and time landscape. Our physical landscape consists of – you guessed it – our physical environment and surroundings but also our physical body. Our cognitive/mind landscape consists of the content we are creating and also the thoughts that show up while we are creating in this tricky brain of ours. Our time landscape is the time we give ourselves to create during each session of creativity but also our expectations around how much time it “should” take us to create our masterpiece (whatever that is).

As always, I will use writing as an example because the voice is my context for creation, but as you move through this example, substitute any mode of creativity that suits you!

How BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER Might Show Up

BEFORE

Physical Landscape 

Close your eyes. Imagine a place where you feel safe and creative. Imagine a place where you feel safe to express yourself and share your voice. Where are you? What lives in this space? What kind of lighting do you see? Is there a candle? Soft or bright light? Sunlight streaming in through a window? Are you sitting in a comfy chair or at a desk? Are you in a corner of a favorite room? Do you have a beverage nearby (water, tea, coffee, etc.)? Is there a blanket tucked around your legs and over your lap or is there a pillow behind your back?

If your creative space is outside, think about how you might bring some of the outside elements into your space – with a plant or nature sounds playing while you create if you can’t open a window.

Now let’s move to your physical body. When we are preparing to create our bodies must feel comfortable. Think about what you are wearing – if tags irritate you, make sure the tags on your clothes are removed. If you don’t like the feeling of your jeans on your body when you sit down, wear soft pants instead or something else that suits you. If you tend to get cold make sure you have a layer nearby to throw on. If you are cold you will start to feel your shoulders creeping up to your ears and this in turn will send a message to your brain that you are uncomfortable and that is a cue that you may be unsafe. This can all impact your writing and creation time! Conversely, if you tend to get hot, make sure you have a fan or a cool drink available at your side.

Cognitive/Mind Landscape 

Serendipity favors the prepared mind. Before you begin writing, set your intention for the session. How do you need to show up during this session? What do you need to bring to the page? Boldness, courage, confidence, ease, compassion? 

In addition, draft a short outline of what you want to write for this session. This can be as simple as some bullet points and it doesn’t need to be set in stone. This is your moveable feast! Let’s set the menu before we begin. If something comes up that wasn’t on your menu and you want to include it, you will know where it needs to fall – is it an appetizer, main dish, or dessert? When you have a plan it’s easy to see where something fits. When you don’t have a plan you set yourself up for uncertainty and sometimes confusion.

Time Landscape

If you notice that you find inspiration when you take a walk or meditate or do another type of soothing practice, then make sure to schedule your writing time after you do this activity. Make sure to give yourself enough time to prepare your body and your mind.

Often when we think of time, we just think of the amount of time we need to write, but there is a pre-time that we need to think about. Pre-writing can happen in the mind – ideas percolate there before they make their way to the page. Allow for this time before you sit down to write a specific piece. If you haven’t had enough percolation time before you sit down to write this may appear as procrastination, but it isn’t. It’s process – you just aren’t ready to write that particular piece yet.

Writing is interesting in other ways when it comes to time. Think about the time of day when you feel you are most creative and also how that overlaps with the constructs of your day. For instance, scheduling your writing time when you will most likely have interruptions – kids coming home from school, client emergencies, etc. – will often result in disappointment when it comes to writing. It’s difficult to be creative when you are expecting or suspecting you may be interrupted. 

DURING

Physical Landscape 

The BEFORE work you did will set you up perfectly for your DURING time. While you are writing, pay attention to your physical body and its needs. If you notice tension starting to build up in your body, breathe into that space. If your shoulders start to creep up to your ears, take a deep breath and a moment to roll your shoulders back and forward. If you notice tightness in your hips, breathe and take a moment to stand, roll your hips, walk around for a couple of minutes. Honor your body and its needs. Distractions from your physical body may come up while you are writing. We can work with this, give ourselves comfort, and then come back to the page. This is part of the process.

Cognitive/Mind Landscape

If you did not create an outline of some kind in your BEFORE time, give yourself the compassionate gift of creating that at the beginning of your DURING time. This outline is your best friend. Nurture this relationship. Allow it to support you. Come back to it and tend it. Let it grow and change as it needs to, but give yourself a solid foundation at the beginning. You can use an outline for the smallest of projects – think about it as your Big Idea List rather than an outline if that creates a sense of calm and expansion. What Big Ideas do you want to cover?

If you notice your mind wandering during your writing time, allow your distraction rather than resisting it. Make friends with it. “I see you distraction. What information do you have for me? Is this something I need to attend to now? Is it something that has to do with this piece I am writing? If yes, let’s explore that. If no, then I promise I will come back to this later. I will write it down so I don’t forget.”

As a side note, remember to turn off notifications on your laptop or phone when you are creating. Our mind is excellent at vigilantly keeping us safe and an alert may occur (whether we realize it or not) as something “very important that I need to attend to NOW!” Turn them off for your DURING time.

Time Landscape

A temptation for writers is to plan large blocks of uninterrupted time in which to create. The only problem with this is that it’s hard to find large blocks of time during our schedules and unless you have cultivated a regular writing practice in which you are building the muscle of sustained writing, it will be difficult to maintain your stamina. Yes, stamina. Writing (and other creative endeavors) is like any other practice. It takes time to build your muscles and it is hard! You can’t go from not writing to writing for one or two hours or more at a time. It would be as if you had never run a mile before and you are suddenly asking yourself to run a 10k or a half-marathon. 

Start small with small increments in your writing time. If you allow for the BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER, you will be surprised at how much you can write in 20-30 minutes. And if you need to start with 10-15 minutes, do that! Start small and increase your number of minutes over time. Process always leads to the outcome. 

AFTER

Physical Landscape

When you finish your writing session, take a look around your physical space. Set it up for your next session so that it will be ready for you. Your BEFORE time will thank you.

Next, honor your physical body. What does it need right now after your writing time? Thank it for showing up and show it some tender loving kindness by tending to your physical body. Maybe you need to stretch. Maybe you need to go for a walk. Maybe you need to give yourself some food or hydration. Whatever it needs, take the time to provide it.

Cognitive/Mind Landscape

You have accomplished a lot in this creative session. Acknowledge that. Remember the intention you set for yourself in the BEFORE time? Go back to that and give yourself a pat on the back. You said you would write and you did that. Bravo. 

Give yourself the compassionate gift while your thoughts are still fresh to create a little bulleted list of Big Idea content for your next writing session. At the end of a writing session, we always know where we want to go next and it feels SO PROFOUND that we tell ourselves we would never forget where the path is leading. However, we are human and sometimes we forget, so jot down some notes for yourself and your next session.

Time Landscape

Give yourself a buffer for your AFTER time. Acknowledge that sometimes, creation time requires more of us. Sometimes we need extra time to gently come back to our day. What is a soother for you? If you are creating something that brings up uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, give yourself extra time on the back end of creating for a little self-care.

Let’s Give Ourselves Space for Safeness in Our Creation

I can hear the eye-rolls from some skeptics in the audience. Their voices are added to the voice of my inner critic: “This all seems way too structured! I can only create when I feel inspired! This feels like too much work!”

Here’s the thing about inspiration and creativity: inspiration and creativity can only truly occur when we feel safe. Emotions, thoughts, doubts, and uncertainty will show up. There will be days of hard and days of soft caress and days of exuberant effervescence that we can barely contain in our creative practice. Through it all, we feel safe when we can support ourselves by compassionately allowing for our humanity and navigating the process and our expectations with intention. We know what soothes our nervous system and what ignites our threat responses. Give yourself the gift of cultivating a safe space for your creations and your creativity to thrive whether you are writing or participating in any other creative endeavor.

Again, for those in the back, serendipity favors the prepared mind. When you create a safe space and show up regularly, the magic you crave happens.

How Do You Create a Sense of Safeness for Yourself?

By Heather Doyle Fraser

My Spring season has been filled with a constant coming back to my commitment of comfort – I wrote about this during March and how I would like to commit to being in my comfort zone. And no, that doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable all of the time; rather, it means that I am cultivating a landscape for myself – both internal and external – that supports me and helps me navigate the space in which I find myself. When we have an internal felt sense of safety or safeness, we are able to tolerate distress and discomfort and move beyond what we thought was possible. 

When we feel safe enough, we are able to create with abandon – in whatever form that takes. For me, that is writing, but also other creative practices: art-making, coaching, singing, or anything else where I am leaning on my creativity – you pick your preferred mode of creation! If we don’t feel safe or comfortable enough, we find ourselves using all of our energy just to survive. Survival gets you through the most difficult times, but it doesn’t provide a jumping-off place for creativity and creation. You can’t access the profound expanse of your imagination when you are in a place of fear, threat, and deep uncertainty. Inevitably fear, threat, and uncertainty are our companions in this life because we are human, and they never go away. But there are things we can do to help alleviate or even prevent some of those fears so that we can stand firmly in our comfort zone while stretching into a place of creation. 

What if – just like I committed to my comfort zone during the Spring season – I built upon my comfort to step into creation during this season of my life? It’s a question I ponder often because I am a writer, and I help people to write books and compassionately navigate their discomfort while doing so. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about and experimenting with how we can cultivate a safe space – a haven – in which to create. Because we are human, emotions, feelings, difficult thoughts, and body sensations are going to come up when you are creating something that is meaningful and purpose-driven. If the space in which you create feels safe, though, you are much more likely to be able to maintain and sustain your creativity to the completion of your project. 

How do you create a sense of safeness for yourself when you are writing or engaging in another creative practice? In my next blog, I will share with you what I do to create a safe space to create.

Avoiding Burnout When the House Is on Fire

By Michelle Schroeder-Lowrey

A few weeks ago, we celebrated Halloween at our school. Halloween is a big holiday at our school - costume parade for our littles in front of myriad parents, middle and upper schoolers and faculty followed by laughter filled parties, treats and games organized by the parent community in each classroom. That is what we would do in a normal year. Of course, 2020 is anything but a normal year. 

I am a teacher of music, movement and drama. I love my job. In a normal year, I would be preparing my students for a rollicking, rambunctious rally for our winter program in December. Normally. Again, this year is anything but normal. This year I am teaching in a beekeeper style helmet with a portable amplifier/headset underneath it. It protects the kids from me and me from them. Not normal. And this year instead of singing uproariously with abandon,  my students hum or sing softly (mezzo-piano) because it is not safe to sing loudly inside together - even in masks.

This year? I am not loving my job - as much. I am grieving. I am grieving the traditional programs that won’t happen, teaching music without singing (imagine teaching math without the numbers) and the loss of my classroom to covid standards that say my space is too small to hold so many students throughout the day. Grief, stress and the looming possibility of another possible shutdown. 

What’s a music teacher to do? How do I not “burnout”? 

In her recent podcast, Unlocking Us, Brene Brown interviewed Emily and Amelia Nagoski, authors of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. The stress cycle is what our bodies experience when our brain detects a threat and floods our body with chemicals designed to send us into what is commonly known as fight, flight or freeze. However, what we don’t always know is that fight/flight or freeze are just the beginning of the cycle. Without completing the cycle - giving our bodies the signal that we are safe and danger has passed - those chemicals stay in our bodies, degrading slowly over time, but not flushing out completely. When the next stress cycle happens, the neurochemicals pile on top of the slowly degrading ones we’ve held onto and over time that collection of stress chemicals becomes gastrointestinal issues like IBS, auto immune issues, headaches - you name it. How do we complete the cycle? How do we let our bodies and minds know that even in this time of continuous piling on of stressors we are “safe?”

The Nagoskis list 7 ways to complete the cycle. Some easier than others and a few that surprised me at first:

Physical activity - ultimately 30 minutes/6 days a week (we’ve all heard this one)

Breathing - box breathing or 4-7-8 breathing 

Social Connection - so, so difficult when you are social distancing, but not impossible

Laughter - real, deep laughter - even remembering a time when you laughed yourself to exhaustion

Affection - a 20 second hug, a 6 second kiss

A “big ol’ cry” - we all know what this means and how good it can feel

Creative Expression - creating/doing something through dance, song, art, acting

It’s a good list. It’s a short list. However -  It’s a list that at first glance I thought - when will I have time to do any of these things in between pandemic lesson planning (which feels like reinventing the wheel on some days), teaching, sanitizing, and continuing to do all the mom and wife and daughter and friend duties? During the initial Spring shutdown I got into a good routine of exercise at home, walking my dogs in between recording asynchronous lessons and keeping up with our online grocery, Target and amazon orders. (The online groceries definitely became my source of feeling “in control”).  But in the Fall, when we went back to teaching in person - that routine was quickly disrupted. I had no idea how emotionally uncomfortable it would be to return to teaching. The constant reminders of the virus are everywhere - hand sanitizer stations everywhere, everyone in a mask with no way to read facial social cues, signs reminding us of social distancing and faculty meetings attended on campus from your office on zoom. We are in our normal environment in an abnormal year. And what I didn’t know then and am aware of now - my stress cycles were piling up more quickly than ever before. And if they are building this rapidly for me, how are my students and colleagues feeling? 

And then it dawned on me: I can use my job to incorporate the Nagoski list into my daily routine by making it my lesson plan - to help us all feel safe, gear down from our stress cycles and show each other some compassion and empathy.

First - I created solid routines that include a physical warm up of 2-5 minutes before we take attendance, longer “movement lessons” - explorations of beat and rhythm that feel like elongated dance parties, more playing time with classroom instruments, and more drama games offering time for creative expression. I am less focused on all the things I “need to teach” and more focused on what the students need from me in the moment to feel psychologically safe. If we need to breathe, we breathe. If we need to cry, we cry - I’ve even spent time talking about empathy as a superpower to connect to our friends. And as for laughter? Silly songs and videos I wouldn’t have considered for curriculum in the past are now at the top of my playlists. Every class ends with the same chant: We are kind, we are brave, we are incredibly curious. 

This closing chant is more than just a sentence for me, it’s a mantra. And it’s getting me through. Kindness to myself and others because we all share this common humanity of fears and worries and they are on high alert right now. Bravery looks different every day, but sometimes the seemingly simple acts require the most courage and commitment day after day. And curiosity? Curiosity is an anchor for me now. How can I use what I know and what I do in this wilderness of the “new normal” to create more peace and calm in myself and my students? And in this altered environment, expectations sometimes need to shift. With different expectations, judgement can take a backseat, in fact, it doesn’t even need to ride in the car at all.

In my borrowed office I’ve written this quote on a whiteboard: Since the house is on fire, we may as well warm ourselves. So it is that finding ways to infuse my day with opportunities to stop the cycle of stress - and providing opportunities for my students to feel psychologically safe is just one way to keep burnout at bay - and maybe by the end of the school year I’ll have learned some new jokes and be ready for dance solo or maybe make some s’mores. 

Helping Children Handle Strong Emotions

Helping Children Find Calm & Handle Anxiety During Difficult Times

Chris Fraser is a mental health therapist with children and families with over 25 years of experience. In this video Chris shares practical tools and useful wisdom that children can use to calm their worries during this time of quarantine and beyond. Once worries are calmed and cared for Chris teaches that the worries can just go along for the ride as children learn to take action on those things they care about or need to do.